Girl on Gore

Great Moments in Gore

2012-03-01T20:29:00.003-08:00

Alright. So, I know I have been absent for most of the month. You guys are writers! And readers. And artists. I know your not gonna slap me with a poor attendance mark. Right? I wanted to give you a little insight on what my progressing adventure into the music scene has been like. Trust me, its a lot like this familiar scene from Slumberparty Massacre 2.

Features
-Rock and Roller, complete with leather jacket and ferocious hair.
-Killer guitar solo. hehehe
-When sexy dreams end up with the worse blue balls you could possibly imagine.
-80'stastic girls up against the heaviest guitar/death drill combo ever. Driller Killer indeed!

Ok. So, that has not happened...yet. Everyone I have met are dedicated, talented, and inspiring people. Absolute sweet hearts too!! I'm trying to find the way to balance all the writing I want to get done so..bear with me.

Long live rock and roll! Or maybe in this particular example, survive rock and roll!!

Ill Come Back to you

2012-02-18T16:42:00.000-08:00

Wow! Its been awhile hasn't it. Its not that I havent been watching horror movies. Oh I have! I just got a new gig as, wait for it..............a MUSIC JOURNALIST. I am now writting for a local music website and magazine reviewing shows and interviewing musicians. We are publishing next month and had to get some content in before the end of the month. I have been writing, writing, writing. And going to a lotta shows!

So, I am sorry I dissapeared like that. Im working on some more reviews for Girl on Gore right now! You will be seeing me again real soon folks! Oh and I can't wait to see what all of you guys have been up to! You guys see The Woman in Black? I did. Review, coming right up and I'd love to hear what you guys thought of it ok!?

Great Moments in Gore

2012-02-02T19:49:00.000-08:00

You know, I really don't know why I decided to watch this particular scene moments after making my tuna salad. It's a great scene! Loaded with camp, guts, and Montag! It's also a great tuna salad. Loaded with celery, onions, and....mayo. While both are really awesome on their own, I don't recommend mixing the two.

Features:
- Evil magician
- Foxy lady strapped to a table under a foreboding drill.
- Globs of red paint I mean blood.

Abra Kadabra. What is it about those sweet words that makes us get up on stage, climb into a box, and let a stranger "saw us in half?" I would need to be seriously hypnotized to let someone with a mustache that sinister strap me to a slab.

The Sentinel: Review

2012-01-17T20:17:00.000-08:00

The Sentinel
Directed by: Michael Winner

I knew I had to review something tonight! I spent my day off doing some lovely things but in the back of my mind I knew it was..my responsibility..my honor...my privilege..my driving force! Must review! The Sentinel is about an attractive, independent model who moves into a seemingly perfect apartment. You know it's not. I just so happen to be an independent super model who has just moved into a perfect apartment, just like our leading lady. Well, cashier at the market is really the same thing as super model right? There are just so.so.many similarities between us. But I did move into a new apartment and The Sentinel seemed an appropriate viewing choice. Glad I didn't move into that Hell hole.

Alison Parker, played by Cristina Raines, is an independent woman seeking out her own space, separate from her shady lawyer boyfriend (Chris Sarandon). Girl is going through some shit. She is still unsteady after her attempted suicide in her youth, brought on when she catches her elderly father having a cake and hookers orgy. Truly effective and bizarre scene. Then her father dies and then, the forces of evil begin to make themselves known. Foot steps in the empty apartment upstairs, spooky headaches, and neighbors so odd they must be of a sinister nature.

After attending what had to be the strangest cat birthday ever(yes the strangest...cat birthday party),experiencing strange sounds in the house, and stabbing her dead father, she decides to start solving the problem. Those mysterious migraines of hers only get worse when the real estate lady informs her no one else lives there, except the old blind priest upstairs. Turns out the building is actually a gateway to Hell and the church owns it. The solitary priest is responsible for watching over it and ensuring evil doesn't get in. There is a long history of these sentinels and with the death of one, a new one takes over. Guess who is the chosen look out.

Going into a film like this you have an understanding that with gateways to Hell there are going to be religious themes. The story works just fine, it's just very "straight forward." All of Alison's neighbors are a bunch of crooks and sinners. So they go to Hell. Apparently, Hell is a place full of stereotypes. Apparently, lesbianism and physical deformities land you a spot there. Wow, Hell is just so ignorant. A requirement to become a sentinel is a suicide attempt. Alison lost her faith and relationship with God, and Hell tries to get her to off herself. I mean, I would definitely say the career change from model to sentinel was a demotion.

While I wasn't huge on the whole Catholics versus evil motif, I enjoyed all the haunted house, bizarro kinda lucid dream parts of the movie. All those strange neighbors and the cat in the party hat were unexpected and disturbing. The strangeness of the whole thing was its most redeeming quality. Aside from Sarandon's dull reading, most of the acting is decent enough. And you know, the sheer number of cameos distracts you some from the film's flaws. It's drinking game worthy. Every time you see someone you recognize, you gotta drink and the better the cameo the stronger the drink. I mean, Christopher Walken has gotta be worth like 5 shots of something! Though it would you get you like super trashed, most of these guest spots do nothing but slow the movie down. So irritated by the cops sub plot. Why would you throw this boring and pointless bit into the mix?

The Sentinel doesn't win any awards from me but I watched the whole thing and I was entertained. There is a certain mood, a melancholy and madness, achieved and the plot is interesting in its little twists. It's worth a watch. If not for the exploited, physically deformed people, used to play the legions of Hell, then for all those damn cameos!

Hey is that..
Beverly D'angelo
Jeff Goldblum
John Carradine
Burgess Meredith
Christopher Walken
Ava Gardner
...
According to my new The Sentinel drinking game..I'm wasted.

The Blue Monday Give Away

2012-01-16T17:42:00.000-08:00

According to some fancy scientific formula made by scientist people, today is the most depressing day of 2012. Gee. Thanks for your shining optimism scientist people. They might be right. Many of my customers at the market I work for were.....depressed today...ya..depressed. If you have found yourself with a case of the super Mondays today, I'm about to cheer you right up! It's Give Away Time!

In case you haven't noticed, my blog has gone through a make over! You like? I love! My new page and awesome new links(hint, hint) were courtesy of my talented friend and room mate, Samantha Gardner at Blue Madera Designs. I really love her work and I also really love all you talented and insightful horror nerds out there! Its a compliment honey! That's the whole reason I started this blog, to nerd out with other nerds! Thank you! I mean it, thank you. I have some wonderful discussions with you guys. To show my thanks I'm going to be giving out sweet freebies for your page compliments of Samantha!

To kick things off here are two horror backgrounds!Right click on the image and save to your computer. (I don't know if that's common knowledge. I can do html on my posts but I'm electronically challenged..)

Make sure to keep checking in for new freebies!!

I'm Hot for Horror Hunk

2012-01-10T18:52:00.000-08:00

Alright. This whole thing probably started because I've been watching Spartacus. *Giggle* Oh yes, Spartacus. This is like the best concept for a show ever! I don't care if I've said differently anytime before! History. Yes. Lots of blood and violence! Yes. Very muscular, sweaty, men fighting each other in reveling loin cloths? Ooh Yeah! Ahem...anyway, I was inspired to share some horror hunks with all my sultry scream queens out there! Ladies..your welcome!! Fellas, I know a lot of my readers are my guys...I haven't forgotten you! I was nice enough to include a lovely female co-star for each! Those lucky, lucky, bitches...

Ti West- Talent is very sexy, am I right?

Jocelin Donahue- House of the Devil

Bruce Campbell- Essential!!

Embeth Davidtz- Army of Darkness

Anthony Perkins- Im crazy for you

Janet Leigh- Psycho

Alexander Skaragard- I don't gotta say anything. You know what im talking about.

Anna Paquin- True Blood

(p.s. There will be more where that came from.)

Great Moments in Gore

2012-01-08T19:01:00.000-08:00

So, I have finally discovered that the reason I've been sick on and off for 2 weeks is because I have BRONCHITIS! Oh God. Shit...I should be honest with you about something. I have a bit of hypochondria. That's right, I'm terrified of being sick. Now, I know that I'll be just fine and these antibiotics(yuck) are gonna do their job but I needed some further reassurance. What better way to feel better about your affliction then seeing something 100 times worse and saying, "At least I'm not fucking rabid!! At least i didn't turn into a sickly, homicidal, loony."

Thankfully I did not drink wine from a vineyard sprayed with pesticides. Ill take bronchitis over pesticide induced killing sprees and disgusting facial decay...ANY DAY! Grapes of Death, directed by Jean Rollin, was my chicken soup tonight.

Features:
-Multiple, beautiful, French women
-All kinds of infected and murderous villagers
-A fantastic scream that any scream queen should admire!
-Topless decapitation
-Run! Run! They are sick and crazy!

And on that note, time to hydrate...on pesticide free wine.

Testing

2012-01-08T12:50:00.000-08:00

This isn't Jamie. Its Samantha and I'm just trying to fixed the borked layout. I pretty much gutted the code and cleaned it up. Comment if it still looks messed up to you!

Please Pardon my dust

2012-01-07T21:06:00.001-08:00

Ok. My friend and are working on the layout. Please be patient while we sort through any of the bugs!!

Insidious: Review

2012-01-04T21:42:00.000-08:00

Insidious
Directed by: James Wan

One of my New Year's resolutions was to get back on track with the blog and really work towards achieving its fullest potential. Huh. I guess that kinda summarizes all the resolutions on my list. Oh..its bad. Yes, I have a list and its broken down into categories to help me organize....all of them! Then, there's some like sub categories, means to achieve these goals, and I probably need to hire a personal assistant to get anywhere near completing them all. One of the bullet points on my blog list, is stop saying, "I gotta watch that," and start watching that! So, I have been going through my watch list, which is how we arrive at Insidious.

Insidious is a seemingly rare triumph in the modern horror movies of today. Is it without it's faults? No. It did have some missteps but they quite forgivable when put into perspective with the successes of the film. Though, it breaks no new ground, I think its a sign that the Pg-13, Friday night movie, crowd may want a little more substance to their horror movies. Maybe everyone is tired of sitting through Saw 104, dreading seeing it all over again in Saw 105. James Wan, the director, did not use the same blood and guts technique he used in the Saw franchise. He was a bit more subtle this time. This was an effective and entertaining film, well most of it. The storyline is almost in homage to the well known haunted house/ ghost stories before it, such as Poltergeist and the Amityville horror. A good looking couple and their children move into a house way too large for them, soon to discover something strange is happening. They start experiencing the typical paranormal activities and then their son explores those paranormal activities and goes into a coma. Well, not really a coma, the doctor's can't explain it! *Gasp* These other worldly forces continue to terrorize them, mama in particular until she begs to move to a new house. It is there they realize, its not the house that was haunted. Then, before you can say Ghost hunters!, a team of goof ball paranormal investigators begin to check the house with their satirical ghost equipment. Fronting the team is a clairvoyant, played by LIN SHAYE! I love this lady! How cute is she? This role was just a sign that she can pull any character off! Remember that "well most of it" from earlier? That all starts here in the final quarter of the film. People are astral projecting too much, which is an explanation I could have accepted had it just been their son...but it runs in the family? Come on.. Daddy has to go into this other dimension to bring back his son and there's all these bad cgi ghosties everywhere. The worst moment was the reveal of the ridiculous cgi demon who had been winning the race for the boy's body. Throughout the film, this demon was much more frightening as an unseen presence, described in pictures. Ya...that thing, fully seen in the climax, kinda ruined it for me. That seems to be the major consensus, doesn't it? Insidious did a great job in the earlier moments of the film scaring us. All the spooky things happening in the house and all the loud dissonant music freak you out. The acting is good and the filming is crisp and technical. Everything leading up to the unfortunate, over the top ending, ending was stylized fun! If you're going to build up the audience throughout the movie, hinting at and hinting at, you can't disappoint them when you finally reveal. I know there has to be some big climax but there has to be some other way. That big red demon didn't scare me.....I don't honestly know how I would have ended it but if that's the big bad, I would have preferred never to see the reveal. I admit im a sucker for ghost stories. Lots of the sub genres I loved so much before have been overwhelmed by generic shit, (zombies anyone?) but hauntings continue to scare me. Seriously! Think about it. All home are haunted in a sense. Someone has slept in my room before me, a stranger. How many people have cooked in my kitchen, looked out my window, or locked my door? Shit...all houses are haunted. I know that Insidious was nothing new to horror but I hope it does usher in a torture porn free marquee, at least for awhile. Chances are you will enjoy it, most of it.

New Year

2012-01-04T18:46:00.000-08:00

So sorry about my most recent disappearance. I spent the month of December moving into my new downtown Tucson apartment oh ya...and throwing up. Yep...I got sick! One of my many resolutions is to write something every day. Different things. So, you will be seeing a lot more of me.

My dear friend, Samantha, who I interviewed about *sigh* Mother of Tears, is working on a brand spanking new layout for the site. I got a queue full of movies!! And since Im done unpacking I can finally watch Inside, which my horror buddy Dominick let me borrow. Yay!

Hope you all had a great Holiday. Ill be seeing you soon.

Things i've Learned from Christmas Horror Movies

2011-12-05T19:40:00.000-08:00

With gifts, Christmas presents included, it is really the thought that counts. Hey. Someone gets you something, you had better be thankful. And if that "something" is a horrible sweater a relative gets you, you know you ought to wear it at just one family function where said relative will be attending. Nothing says gratitude like your own personal shame. "Thanks. Its just what I always wanted!"

Rule: There are plenty of respectful ways to ask about the return policy. If you have any shred of suspicion that your Christmas present might kill you and the whole town, ask for the receipt. It will probably kill the whole town and all the good little girls and boys and elves. Trust me, exchange the thing for the cash and buy yourself something nice.

Who can say whats a more horrifying Christmas morning surprise? Tacky Christmas sweater. Cute little furry critter who's like a ticking time bomb! Who's gonna remember all those rules with all those sparkly Christmas lights and pies all over the place!? Its a close one.

Gifts you need to Politely decline:

Gremlins
1. Mogwai and any other small mysterious creatures the gifter found in Chinatown.

Child's Play
2. Creepy little man dolls.

Nightmare Before Christmas
3. Delightful and whimsical claymation monsters.

Silent Night, Deadly Night
4. Box cutters..big red flag when its used.

Santa's Slay
5. EXPLOSIVES!!!

Great Moments in CHRISTMAS gore

2011-12-03T18:56:00.000-08:00

In recognition of that Merriest of merry times of year, Christmas, I'm gonna give my features a little Holiday make over for the month of December! I will deck the halls and play reindeer games. Ill remember Santa is watching my every move, every review will bring me one step to closer to naughty or nice!! Its nice...in case you were wondering..I'm totally going to be on the nice list this year. Lets all have a cheerful and blood drenched Christmas and a gory New Year!

There are a lot of great yuletide horror movies out there. I mean come on, Santa's last name is claws (Claus whatever). That really writes itself. My favorite of all these films is Black Christmas, directed by Bob Clark, in 1974 of course. All I want for Christmas is no more remakes...

Features:
- The eerie harmonies of children caroling.
- Heavy breathing and menacing whispering.
- Glass unicorn figure. Glass fucking unicorn figure to the chest!
- Festive little sprays of blood.

Christmas decoration Count:
1 brightly lit wreath
1 not so brightly lit wreath
A light here and there..
2.1 Christmas decorations.

Great Christmas movie. Great slasher movie! Can I get a fa la la la la if you feel the good tidings I'm sharing with you!

Mother of Tears: Part 2

2011-12-02T18:21:00.000-08:00

Mother of Tears (sigh) is a movie so atrocious, that if you ignore all my good intentioned warnings and decide to watch this piece of shit, don't do it alone. That's right. I am issuing a Buddy System warning on this...piece of shit. Can a friend save you from this nightmare? Unless they throw the TV out the window, probably not. But if you both stick together and relentlessly bash this movie together, maybe you will have a few laughs (cause trust me..you ain't gonna have any otherwise.)

I was smart and lucky enough to have such a buddy. I don't know what I would have done without Samantha! Turn to my dead plants and start crying about how Dario was being a jerk? Yes, Sami was a real champ that night. She is an insightful and witty writer (and human being) but horror is not usually her first pick of a subject matter. She was thrilled when I asked her if I could interview her and after making her endure this embarrassing film in my genre, its only fair to let her opinion be heard and appreciated. OK..and she totally gets to pick the next 10 movies we watch!

I was a fox and Samantha was a dia de los muertos skeleton. What you don't know is after this was taken, the rabies took over me and I started gnawing on Sami's funny bone.

Jamie: Tell me Dear Sam, What is your favorite movie genre?

SamiMy favorite movie genre is always going to be fantasy or science fiction. I'm a sucker for the supernatural and I might have seen every vampire flick of the 1990s.

J: What is your experience with the horror genre?

S: My experience with horror goes back to when my siblings would watch the classic 80s movies like Halloween and Chucky. We even had a ghost in the house that liked to walk up the stairs at 2AM and turn on and off the TV. It lent a good atmosphere to the processing.

J: What makes a good movie and what do you feel are crucial elements of a horror movie?

S: I like horror movies that have atmospheric tension and style to them. Maybe its because I've seen so much gore on the screen that I appreciate movies that make me scared to pause the movie to make popcorn from the suspense. I like a movie that's not afraid to be mysterious. Too many movies nowadays shoot their wads too soon and you figure out the whole plot in five minutes.

J: Ok..Lay it on me. What did you think of Mother of Tears?

S: Speaking of movies that shot their wads prematurely, Mother of Tears sucked and blew so hard from the beginning. I have only seen one Dario Argento movie before and it was Suspria. I had been coming into this movies with expectations on a resolution to the cool idea of the Three Sorrows and the skills of a legendary director at play. Mother of Tears didn't just give away the goods of the movie within the first ten minutes, it also became boring. The first scene just desensitizes you to every scene afterwards and Asia Argento's stilted attempt at pretending to be a emotive human makes it difficult to care for her. Especially then she acted like a passive idiot until the seriously underwhelming 'climax.'

J: What were this movies biggest flaws?

S: The movie's biggest flaw was having a interesting core idea and wasting it. The mythos should write itself, young woman against scary witch in a beautiful building, and yet it falls apart. The plot felt like a video game wherein each level you have to talk to another boring person that Asia gets killed. The only character that I felt any emotion for was Marta and she was soon killed. Suspria's Mother was terrifying and weird which amped up the tension. The Mother of Tears looked like someone that Jon Bon Jovi would have sexed up in the VIP section of the Viper room. She never actually did anything and her gaggle of witch minions seemed only to sneer and flounce around like the bizarro version of Jem. All she seemed to do was stretch aggressively in a dirty burlap-looking sack or show up after someone has been killed. Her people chase Asia Argento all around Rome but don't actually ever get her then she is destroyed in one of the anti-climatic climaxes that I've ever sat through.

J: What the fuck would you have done differently?

S: I would have made the Mother of Tears scarier and made the kills count more. It got seriously cartoony and predictable while still never convincing me that these people are even going to catch up with the bumbling Asia-bot. Though the biggest mistake was making Asia's mother visible. After that pastel specter shows up, any hope for tension was gone.

J: How did this make you feel about Dario Argento?

S: This made realize that Dario Argento needs to step away from the camera. I read the wikipedia and it informed me that this idea had been around since '87 and had five people work on the script. I don't get how you go from Suspiria to Mother of Tears

J: What have you learned from horror movies?

S: I learned:

That monkeys are evil.

You can survive ten minutes while demons play jump rope with your innards.

That you can tell a witch by how she teases her hair and over does her Gothic eye makeup.

That if I really cared about people trying to help me then I wouldn't keep leading demons and mad men to their doorstep.

Thank you Samantha! You are the most amazing, Henry VIII loving, librarian/roomie that a girl could eva have!

Mother of Tears: Review Part 1

2011-11-28T19:56:00.000-08:00

Mother of Tears
Directed by:Dario Argento

When I think of Mother of Tears..which horrible image comes to mind first? hmm..Is it the evil monkey chasing Asia Argento around? Is it Asia Argento blubbering, "mommy don't leave me. Mommy no," to the cgi fuckery that is her ghost mother? Or maybe I just see Dario's face, laughing in mine as I force myself to finish what I started...the final film of Argento's Three Mothers series. Maybe I'm being a little harsh. Maybe I should just give Argento credit for his long, often beloved, years as an inventive film maker. But Damn it Dario!!! Stop twisting that knife in my gut! You do that to the over sexualized beauties on the screen, please, but don't do me like this!!

Mother of Tears concludes Argento's trilogy about three evil witches, which he began with Suspiria in 1977 and then Inferno in 1980. As much as I despise math, lets do some. Lets see, Mother of Tears is 2007..that makes it 27 years after the last installment and 30 years after Suspiria. In all honesty, if this film was a stand alone feature I would have disliked it less. ...But it wasn't. This film was so completely different then Argento's past films it comes off pretty damn close to a parody. Sadly, Argento, a director once sacred in my foolish eyes, has lost his touch. The sloppy plot of this film simply fails without the master visuals the director was once known for. Sigh.

Cant help but love intestines. Only scene that stuck for me.

Sarah (Asia Argento, once again getting naked in her dad's movie)is not at all like the plucky heroines of Argento's past. I rooted for these girls who sought out the truth and were brave enough to face the evil around them. Sara has no subtance, just indifference and cowardice. Every single character who tries to help her, just dies and she moves right along as though her friend wasn't brutally killed in what was the only enjoyable scene of the movie. I don't believe it for a second and the movie never once tried to get me to believe it.

Mater Lachrymarum, the most powerful and beautiful witch in the series, is overly, underwhelming. Even before she is finally revealed as a boring hoe wearing a shirt as a dress, I seriously doubted her abilities and mysticism. Apparently her rise to power has caused an epidemic of violence in the streets....all I really saw was some vandalism and an unnecessary coven of witches that look like some 80's girl group for preteens. There was nothing frightening or unexpected about the Mater Lachrymarum or any of her associates. Especially not the monkey! What kind of self respecting queen witch has a dirty, little pet monkey!?

Its been impossible to pinpoint the thing I hated most Mother of Tears. (*Ahem* Mundane writing and hollow delivery. Mediocre visual experience. Plot Inconsistencies. That it wasn't so bad it was funny!!!) I have thought about what Dario could have done differently. I think he should have played with the mythos of the witches more! I think that if he had really delved into the back story he could have created a proper Mater Lachrymarum. I would have liked to see the little bits of the lore created in the earlier movies really come together as a cohesive story. And..you know..he could have just not made this movie. That would be the ideal, unfortunately, impossible, solution.

Make sure to check out my interview with one of my very patient best friends who watched this whole damn movie with me tomorrow... at some point!

Great Moments in Gore

2011-11-10T20:30:00.000-08:00

Blood, Babe, Big axe! Dario, most of the time you know just what I want! Like this scene from Tenebre. Want it!! Have it!! Mother of Tears...oh you will hear all about that one.

Features:
-Smoking hot euro women.
-Death by axe.
-Blood, a perfect splash of color to liven up that plain white kitchen.
-Severed limb! Who doesn't love a good ol' limb severing?

Ooh. This is a nice one huh? An aesthetically pleasing scene that gives you the gore you were looking for!

And..not to get all girly girl gal on you or anything..LOVE the dress. I can think of a shit ton of places and situations you could throw this one on for! Don't know if I have a dress to get axed dress...is that something I can get at the thrift store or do I need to go to the mall..if I have to go to the mall I'm just gonna wear what I wore yesterday.

Things I've learned from Halloween

2011-10-21T20:54:00.000-07:00

Oh Wow. This, this is really kinda fascinating! I had one bag of Kit Kats and one bag of Twix...for all the darling trick or treaters of course! I have been taking uh a few out each day randomly. Some how, after this short week or so of having them today there was exactly one of each left! I don't know how I managed that or how I managed to keep them this long actually but there it is. I ate exactly one Kit Kat and one Twix tonight....freaky.

Its for the kids, you know, the Trick or Treaters. I swear, I did not buy this bag of Halloween candy for myself.

Alright. I'll be honest. I do not often hear the sound of children's laughter in my downtown apt complex. There are a few of them, ya, but I highly doubt any of them will stop by my inviting one bedroom..or any of the fellow tenants places. I know for a fact no one from outside the complex will step foot inside this place. It's the ancient curse ooooohhhhhhh! Ok..its the tweakers upstairs. What I'm trying to put across is I, logically, have no need for Halloween candy. Then how did you eat one Kit Kat and one Twix tonight, Jamie? You caught me with the chocolate on my hands folks.

On this magical night of the year we all need to prepared. I say, we all buy that delicious bag of treats free of doubt. I mean, how shitty would we feel if that doe eyed little goblin or princess did show up in our kinda shady neck of the woods? And what if they never come? What of it? It would be a crime to let mini candy bars go to waste right? There were 2 for $5 bags of candy at Target when my mom asked me, "do you think you'll get Trick or Treaters?" "haha. You're cute ma! No way." "Well, don't you think you need some candy. Just in case." oooooooooohhhhhh. I see. Wink, Wink. Yes, just in case!

Genesis: Review

2011-10-17T20:14:00.000-07:00

Genesis
Directed by Nacho Cerda'

I am completely mesmerised by short films. When done correctly, they can evoke all of the emotion inside us in under an hour. These films are character driven pieces that rely on the quality of the acting and the storytelling of the camerawork. I think that's what they call, Art. I think that's what they call damn good movie making!

I first learned about Nacho Cerda, the director, a few years ago. I must have been oohh 18 or 19. Lets say 18 for fun! Ok. That's gonna bug me..I really cant remember what year this happened...anyway.. Tucson's best independent movie theater, The Loft, throws a Scream O' Rana each year. That's right, hours of great movies, hanging in your pj's, guest speakers, and local shorts. That year(when was this!!?) Cerda's Aftermath was played. I have often referred to this as the most disturbing movie I had ever seen. That's quite a statement from me folks.

Genesis is the film following Aftermath in Cerda's collection of short films dealing with death. The 30 min masterpiece tells the heart wrenching story of a sculptor who's lost his wife in a car crash. In a tragic act of love and devotion, he creates his best piece, a sculpture in her image. As the figure is completed, it slowly becomes human again and the man becomes hard as stone. This is a man with nothing but grief, memories, and his craft left. He is so painfully obsessed with his work, keeping her memory alive, that it consumes him. He sacrifices his life to his art, so that he may see his vision of her come to life just once more.

This was one of the most harrowing, beautiful, films I ever seen. The cinematography is absolutely flawless. I mean I don't know what to say. The set and camerawork purveyed all the chaos in this man's broken heart. There is not a single line of dialogue in Genesis. Because it's not needed. The score relays the story quite well. What a fulfilling half an hour! I can not shake the image of him washing the blood off the statute of his wife. Or when he holds onto her leg and tenderly, frightened, cries. Wow!

I really admire Cerda's perspective and the ability he has to purvey that perspective to the audience..at the same time leaving it very much open to interpretation. I definitely think you can all afford 30 measly minutes to watch it if you haven't already..right!? Its safe to say Nacho Cerda has got my full attention.

Inferno: Review

2011-10-16T23:07:00.000-07:00

Inferno
Directed by Dario Argento

Suspiria is a genre masterpiece and most definitely my favorite film from the legendary Gallo director, Dario Argento. I look at this film as a crucial part of my horror education. An outline of the artistic approach a horror film can take. An ABCs comprised of atmospheric sets and ultra-stylized gore. This film stuck with me like some unpronounceable vowel that gets stuck in your throat during that critical presentation before the class. When you love a movie this much, it is only fair to follow through. Fair is fair. After much procrastination, I began the second installment of the Mother of Tears trilogy, Inferno.

Kinda in a grey area on this one. Here is a visually stunning film that instills a real sense of dread in me. Every frame is like a piece of art you would see at some Halloween themed, modern art show...on like 10 hits of acid! Ya. That's pretty powerful stuff man! But no amount of intricately designed shots could save the movie from its flimsy plot and acting so poor, its not even worth laughing at.

We are given a brief mythology behind the Three Mothers, evil witches, by a long narrative in the beging of the movie. Three characters begin to decipher the mystery of the witches and conclude that one of them is living in the same apartment as character number one, Rose. It makes a lot of sense actually. The building is a perfect counterpart to Suspiria's Gothic locale. There's rooms underwater. There's fucking cats everywhere. Most importantly, it fits the description in the book that Rose has been studying. Oh ya, its all about those witches and its nothing good. She writes to her brother in Rome all about her distrbing findings and before we know whats going on we are sitting in a college class...in Rome.

Next, we find Rose's brother, Mark. Although his character also does not evolve in any way, he becomes the new protagonist. He should really read that letter and help his sister but he's so busy oggling the so obviously evil hottie in class that he forgets the letter. So, Mark's classmate, Sara, picks it up and reads it, becoming our next main character.

That felt really long right? I was just overcome with frustration with all these sudden shifts. By the time our characters start dying off, I know them no better than I did at the beginning of the movie. The characters are so underdeveloped I just don't root for them. Quite the opposite. I wanna see um' offed. Trust me, they do get offed and while it is entertaining it lacks the imagination of Suspira's kills.

I'm still a little unsure of what happened in the story but I have figured something out about watching Inferno. Don't beat yourself up trying to follow the plot. Don't ask questions or put the films integrity on trial. Enjoy the master visuals and how shall we say, rodent infested...i mean..interesting deaths. It's entertaining. I like it..just not everything about it.

Because I am soooo dedicated to finishing what I started, i got Mother of Tears, the final film, in my Netflix queue. I have a feeling there's going to be some really fantastic over the top gore but no answers to any of my residual questions left behind by Inferno.

Here's an opium induced passage of Thomas De Quincey's, Suspiria de Profundis, the book the trilogy is loosely inspired by:

"Our Ladies of Sorrow. I know them thoroughly, and have walked in all their kingdoms. Three sisters they are, of one mysterious household; and their paths are wide apart; but of their dominion there is no end."

Things I've learned from Halloween

2011-10-15T22:18:00.000-07:00

Alright. So I know we are already right in the middle of October but I figure later is better than never! So, instead of my traditional gems of genre wisdom I will be giving you the life lessons taught to me by the ookiest day of the year! That's right! Halloween! So lets start the freaky fun. Lets like do that Monster Mash. How do you get in a graveyard? With a skeleton key. Ooh. I am just having way too much fun getting into the holiday spirit.

License to slut.
Yes. We all know it. Some of us look forward to it. Some of us dread it while others just accept it. Dare I say, most of us have been guilty of it ourselves. The golden rule of costumes, the license to slut. I will admit...its kinda creepy that a holiday where children dress up like witches and ask for candy is a holiday where adults put on tiny skirts and get trashed. I said creepy, I didn't say I don't like it!

Here's my take on it. Do I want to see the sorority girls stumbling through the streets in barely there costumes? No, but I see that every time I go out Sat night anyway. As I see it this is a chance for a classy lady like myself to become someone else, and show a whole lotta leg. There's nothing wrong with that! Lets just show one another a little courtesy and follow the appropriate etiquette.

1. Unless you are Quailman from Nickelodeon's Doug, underwear are not acceptable costumes. Its called UNDERwear.
2. If you feel you're costume is a little too..reveling or uninspiring sorority girl, just throw a bunch of fake blood on it. Go-go dancer, dead go-go dancer. School girl, dead school girl. Just imagine what jugs of fake blood would do for a Barbie costume!?
3. Be careful who you ask Treat or Treat.
4. No one can call you out on your lack of costume if you're wearing a mask.
5. Make your own damn costume. Or don't. I mean, if you prefer to spend $60.00 on that tiny costume that's your prerogative.
6. Go funny. Nobody wants to admit it but I think we have all entertained the thought of dressing up like a giant banana right?

(Tomorrow I'll be posting some reviews!! I can't wait to hear all your valuable, insightful, and often hilarious feedback!)

Im Back! Im Back!

2011-10-13T21:07:00.000-07:00

So sorry about that long...vacation? No I can't really call it that. So sorry about that long inconviance. But I am back to stay! I am now the proud owner of my own internet! Im finally a grown up! Be prepared for a wave of posts to come flying your way! Thar she blows!!!

Soon

2011-08-30T12:28:00.000-07:00

So Im getting the internet really really soon! Wait for it, wait for it.
I will totally make it up to you all!

explanation: I went through some horrors of my own. The kind every person who has ever been in a relationship fears....the end. The breakup. I was living with a monster...once I thought he was jeckil and hyde..I know now the good persona mever exisited. Fear not. This was a postive change. I am the final girl in the fucked up movie that was our life.

No Internet...again

2011-08-09T21:41:00.001-07:00

Ok. So this is not an excuse I swear. I will have internet sometme soon and post.....a lot.

Rubber: Review

2011-07-25T16:47:00.001-07:00

Rubber
Directed by:Quentin Dupieux

Imitation, satire, is the highest form of flattery. In Rubber, Quentin Dupieux, aka Mr. Oizo, pays his respects to 70's style revenge and exploitation films. Those are some of my favorite by the way, just in case you wanted to send me something for uh Valentine's or like Jamie Appreciation Day.

So, I need to be upfront with you. Originally, this review was a snarky paragraph about the slow first half hour of the movie. Maybe I built it up too much before the first viewing. Oooh. Mr. Oizo directing a moody car tire in a movie! I gotta see that, it's going to win an Oscar. Thankfully, my coworker urged me to finish it and I wrote a proper review.

Rubber is an absurd movie for the sake of absurdity and it does that, apologetically, from start to finish. In it's opening scenes we, the audience, are directly told, this movie doesn't make any sense. It has no reason and is a celebration of nonsense. Though I was initially put off that the director didn't trust me to come to such a simple conclusion myself, I let the idea sink in. Hmm. There is this son of a bitch tire rolling around the desert and blowing up spiders, bunnies, and oh yes people. To make it worse, this "guy" is taking showers and watching T.V. in someone's hotel room! Freeloader right?

I empathize with nothing in this film, man nor rubber. Characters don't really develop but they don't really need to. Everyone is just potential tire bait. The beginning and ending do not need to be absolute or clear just cuz. Its absurb remember?

I liked it. There were some beautiful head explosions, a pretty hipster girl, some truly funny moments("You're nothing but a rubber shit."), and some nice camera work. Said camera work, though crisp and clear throughout, can be distracting. You get long shots of the demon wheel rolling around, then there's rack focusing, then some more rolling, wide shot, close shot, and so on. Maybe the ever changing camera techniques are meant to keep you on the jumpy side. Maybe I'm just judging too hard. Its just...a little distracting. I did love Mr. Oizo's trippy house soundtrack! If I can remember it correctly, electronic music is the perfected music of tires.

Here's somethings to remember if you don't want to end up like this:

1. If your father says, Hey son lets go watch that tire blow up shit, DECLINE.
2. Those who fight over rotisserie chicken....usually die.
3. Don't ever kick, burn, piss on, or look at a tire in the wrong way.
4. Remember, every tire that you insensitively abandon off the road becomes inhabited with a vengeful soul.

Heeeerrrrrreeeessssss Jamie!

2011-07-24T18:57:00.000-07:00

OK. So I am writing this from my parents computer right now but I do have the long sought after recovery disks for my computer. This means I will hopefully be back for good!

To all my new readers: Welcome and thank you for reading. I started this thing because I love horror movies. I will talk to anyone who will listen. Who better to chat with than other horror nerd fan boys and girls like myself? Well...I would love to chat with Bruce Campbell about it or something but he's like busy..or something. Anyway, I want this to be an interactive experience so please participate! Recommend me a movie and I swear to you I will watch it. Uh, if you have a funny story about your dog why the fuck not, send me a message about it. I appreciate feedback and I appreciate all of your unique tastes in film.

I would also love to thank everyone involved in The Horror Blogger's Alliance for adding me to their roster of talented horror bloggers.

Here's some shit that's coming soon:
Night of the Comet
The Walking Dead Series
Rubber
The Martin Chronicles
My long overdue final thoughts on Martyrs
Blood.......and lots of intestines
Well.....I don't wanna give too much away so here's a picture of Lloyd Kaufman just cuz.

Trinity and Beyond: The Atomic Bomb Movie Review

2011-07-21T16:28:00.000-07:00

Trinity and Beyond: The Atomic Bomb Movie
Directed by:Peter Kuran

Trinity and Beyond: The Atomic Bomb Movie, is not your conventional horror movie. There are no monsters under the bed, no slashers, no dark rooms filled with bloody torture devices, and no sluts were harmed in the making of this film. Come to think of it...I don't think you see a single splatter. You don't need to see any of that shit. Trinity is completely terrifying sans the gore.

The 1995 documentary, by Peter Kuran, tells the history of the development of nuclear weapons and their testing. This includes over a thousand tests the U.S. alone conducted. Now, if you are one of those people who tries to steer clear of anything government related (I can't blame you), please dont write this one off. It is not propaganda and Kuran does an excellent job of providing unbiased information.

It gets better. The one providing you the mind blowing facts is sci fi icon, Willam Shatner. "Theres some THING...on the WING...SOMEthing on the WING!" Mr. Shatner clearly introduces each "chapter" and then allows the footage to do the rest of the work. You see, they don't want you to be overwhelmed with words when the remastered original footage hits you square in the face.

I sat there, drool dripping painfully slow from my open mouth, a light sweat on my brow, all the time wishing someone else was there to shelter me from the blast. Unearthly clouds of sky enveloping darkness, reach up into the sky and blast across everything in its path. Houses fall forward like cardboard displays, whole islands and thousands of irreplaceable sea life completely annihilated all for the sake of man's fucking curiosity? I couldn't move except to put my hand to my mouth in shock and rage. Each experiment just an attempt to one up the previous ones.

This is a film you should have to watch. They should put you in a chair Clockwork Orange style and keep your eyes wide open till the last blast. No plot had to be written up. This is the story of man trying to destroy himself and doing a pretty good job. It scared the shit out of me. I have a feeling you will, if nothing else, begin to appreciate bomb shelters. I don't have one but i'm planning to become friends with someone who does...you know....just in case.

The horror! Again!

2011-06-23T16:03:00.000-07:00

Blue screen of death on my computer. Hopefully it will be fixed soon cause I got guts on my mind! Ill have lots of reviews coming your way soon enough

Sleepaway Camp

2011-06-11T18:44:00.000-07:00

Sleepaway Camp
Directed by: Robert Hiltzik

It's hotter than shit. 101 degrees is nothing to complain about here in Tucson but..SHIT! (If you are asking yourself, "IF 101 is nothing to complain about, what is Jamie?" the anwser is, "Well, I think most of the time us Tucsonans our suffering severe dehydration and sun stroke. It makes you kind of crazy. Who knows what the fuck im complaining about in that state...so..101.1?) What I mean to say is, due to the major heat I've been watching a lot of summer camp movies. I don't know what about slashers killing retro clad horny teenagers cools me down, but it is sweet relief.

This time I watched Sleepaway Camp, a "sweat reducing" cult classic. I respect when a movie doesn't take its self too seriously. Satire is the highest form of flattery. Maybe i'm giving them a lot of credit but wither it was intentional or not it's humor is what made its fans. Its all beautifully cheesy. The acting. The plot. The fashions! Cheese! The only kind of cheese I really enjoy!

Camp New Horizons is like many other slasher camps. It's in a large wooded area. There's a dangerous lake. Some of the girls are total bitches and somebody is killing campers. What is different, is who is killing campers.

Among said doomed campers is Angela, a mostly silent, strange girl with a sad past at New Horizon's lake. Everyone has it out for wide eyed Angela. The gross camp cook. The camp counselors. The popular kids. Big surprise, these are the people who start getting killed off. No amount of deaths can get these people to shut this camp down! Oh and the ending...I had everything figured out pretty early on and I'm sure you will too. Though predictable, the last scene is bizarre and worth seeing.

As far as the gore is concerned, its fairly mild. That's not to say that the violent scenes weren't creative. Some interesting weapons were used, the most memorable was a curling iron, a curling iron pointed right between one of the mean girl's legs. Most of the scary stuff is hinted at.

Here's some things I learned at Camp New Horizons:
1. Don't even talk to the weird girl, even if you are trying to be nice, it could just end up badly. Go play volleyball or something. She hates that.
2. If you don't wind up dead this place is great ladies! Sluts don't get naked but guys walk around in short shorts..and get naked.
3. The older male staff are pervs! Just stay clear.
4. Cheaters...never prosper.
5. I still really hate bees.

There you have it. A really goof ball 80's slasher that's fun for everyone! Oh and in case you were still stuck on the 101 in Tucson today thing. It is NOT a dry heat! I never get home dry. I get home soaking in my own sweat...Thank god for Netflix!

Great Moments in Gore

2011-06-07T16:18:00.000-07:00

Do not teach the zombies new tricks.
Day of the Dead
Directed by: George Romero

Features:
- Gut bustin special effects by the iconic, Tom Savini
- Iconic bad guy, Captain Rhodes(Joesph Pilato), feeding the hungry masses.
- Zombie with a fantastic shot!
- Blood and guts...oh ya, that's a quite a mess there!
- Famous last words: Choke on um'

Damn. I have a really, really, really, twisted sense of humor. When I re watched this right now, I audibly chuckled. No. Scratch that. It was a mad and unapologetic cackle. Well. Whatever it was felt appropriate to how this scene makes me feel, delighted.

There's nothing wrong with that. I'm not a potential serial killer or something because I get a kick out of zombies pulling a guy apart. The guy was asking for it! Rhodes...advanced dick moves! This is a classic scene. Its inspiring to see how Savini and crew's hard work created something so disgusting and hilarious. Now that I think about it's kinda disappointing to watch this and remember, they just don't make them like they used to.

Although I find Bub totally adorable, I don't really like the idea of a zombie with a soul, or even a partial one. Ya. It was once a likeable person and I can understand how you might look in those eyes and think you see a person. Its not. Promise. No matter how well that zombie can read or salute or even shoot a gun, when he looks into your eyes all he can see is meat.

On that note, I think I'm gonna watch this one more time. Drink a bloody Mary or eat some bacon and pretend Romero is my cheery grandpa.

Drag Me to Hell: Review

2011-06-03T18:12:00.000-07:00

Drag me to Hell
Directed by Sam Rami

You had me at Sam Rami. I feel it wasn't strictly Spiderman Rami or Evil Dead Rami, but a pretty entertaining mix of the two. Can you imagine that? Take the cgi and larger budget aspects of Spiderman and blend vigorously with the camp and goof ball, twisted spirt of the Evil Dead series. The end result is Drag me to Hell, Rami's reunion with his B-horror roots.

I really enjoyed this movie. I actually went out to the theater and watched this one..alone (which is perfectly fine! There is nothing wrong with treating yourself to a movie and large popcorn sans the significant other or friends.) I am thrilled to see Rami taking a little trip down memory lane. Yes. Rami is up to his old tricks but he's using primarily cgi effects. Not going to lie. I would have preferred to see the low fi methods of Rami's earlier films, but I am gonna give them a pass on that. The gore scenes, though digital, are cheese-tastic and over the top!

What's more important is Rami took his time to develop the story and the characters it centers around. Cristine, the sweetest, most likeable loan officer alive, is a character you believe in and root for. In an effort to boost her chances at getting a promotion, Cristine denies a flem hacking old gypsy's request for a mortgage extension. Shamed and angered, the Gypsy(who drives Ash's yellow, '73 Oldsmobile) places a damning curse upon her. She soon learns that after three days of torture a demon, named the Lamia, will come to drag her pretty soul down to Hell.

Poor Cristine. Not only is this demon harassing and frighting her..oh no.. this demon is embarrassing her in front of her boyfriend's parents,costing her shit tons in seance fees, ruining her career, and ruining a lot of nice tops! Each failed attempt to save her soul makes you hurt for her. I just wanted things to get better! They don't.

Alison Lohman (Cristine) does a fantastic job of creating a real girl faced with the horrible repercussions of her decision. The scenes in which she is alone in the house with the demon are frighting and legitimate. She IS being tormented by this monster!

Although this film will not surpass Evil Dead's cult status its an engaging, gag inducing, humorous, homage to the demented horror films of the 80's. Oh Sam Rami, you have left me gasping for breath cause i'm screaming and laughing at the same time, yet again.

Really cool fan art by Fiona Staples

23 years

2011-06-01T09:38:00.000-07:00

Its my 23rd birthday today!!! Thought it was scary enough to post on my horror blog!

The Burning Review

2011-05-31T16:02:00.000-07:00

The Burning
Directed by: Tony Maylam

So, you don't have to start telling me that you practice safe sex. I'm sure you do. The Burning is not actually a Troma movie about some std that makes you look like the guy pictured up top. Hmm. Maybe I should send an e-mail to Lloyd though, std ridden zombies ARE right up their alley.

No. The Burning is the 1981 slasher movie that followed the infamous Friday the 13th in 1980. While the storyline is nothing new, it is one of the more enjoyable summer camp turned massacre movies the 80's had to offer. This time we are at Camp Blackstone, where a deformed slasher is out to get revenge on scantly clad teenagers who remind him of the campers who burned him in the past. Like I said, nothing new here.

What makes this movie stand out are the other factors. Lets look at some of the people involved. Harvey Weinstein, who has since gone on to produce some big ass movies, produced this one. We get to enjoy a couple actors we know in some very bit parts (Jason Alexander and Holly Hunter). Best of all, Tom Savini was in charge of all of the bloody parts.

I think what really does make this movie better than some of its slasher brothers are the effects and the characters. Our characters are actually pretty likeable. They are a little more developed then the disposable campers we are used to. Maybe this is because it takes quite a bit of time for them to start dying off. We get some time to get to know them before Savini starts slaughtering them with the ol' scissors. Savini was apparently given 3 days to design our killer. Not bad sir. And that raft scene...bravo!

There's just something about summer camp isn't there? The smell of the fresh pine trees and cool mountain air! The frenzied screams of horny teens and arts and crafts! Ya...remind me why we didn't book a hotel?

Martyrs

2011-05-29T17:26:00.000-07:00

Martyrs
Directed by:Pascal Laugier

I'm not a fan of the Saw and Hostel variety of torture films. Martyrs was a torture film alright but it was not the same. The french film is undeniably one of the best horror movies I've seen in a good while. You see, underneath all the blood soaked torture devices is something beautiful and existential. Maybe it is the strong performances by the blood soaked actresses. Maybe it's the moody, beautiful cinematography or the great effects. Or all the twists and turns! I feel it has raised the bar a bit higher.

Martyrs is brutal from start to finish. It tells the story of Lucie, a woman who was tortured as a child. With the help of her only friend, the selfless Anna, she seeks out her captors for revenge. I was right there with Anna, horrified by the carnage and evaluating Lucie's sanity. Flinching.

I don't want to give too much away but I can promise you this. Laugier has made this one with the diehard horror fans in mind. He apologetically puts both girls through severe suffering....severe! Its on both a psychological and physical level. By the end of the film they have nothing left!

The blood. Oh, there's a shit ton of it and its all extracted differently. I think what is so powerful about this movie (and what the Saw movies lack) is the intent behind that gore. The saw/Hostel/etc movies are pretty bloody but they do so for one reason: entertainment. Martyrs was not entertaining or fun. It was horrific. It was serious. It was sick(and, again, beautiful). It makes you feel uncomfortable which is what a well done horror movie should do to you.

The ending of Martyrs is pretty open ended, not sequel open ended (though an American remake is already in the talks), open ended like what the fuck did that mean? I am still kind of deciding what I want to get from it but I think I'm going to post that on a later date. I'm not being a lazy ass, I promise. I'm just a really...indecisive person. I gotta soak this one up a bit longer so I can really get everything I can from it.

Great Moments in Gore

2011-05-20T17:17:00.000-07:00

The most thorough and original werewolf transformation ever! Yes, friends, a scene you probably adore as much as I do, the transformation scene in An American Werewolf in London by John Landis.

Features:
- Horror hunk, David Kessler (David Naughton)
- Lots of body parts stretching around
- Slow, drawn out pain that hurts like Hell to watch.

American Werewolf in London. Where do I start? I remember watching this movie with my father. Oh I felt like I was misbehaving or something. My dad never let me watch R movies and my father does not watch horror... but I got to watch this one. In all honesty, this movie played a big part in my exploration of scary movies.

Its so much more than a scary movie. This film has a great ability to add humor, romance, and tears without being forced. Our main characters are real people. We root for them. We are afraid for them. We like them and when we realize what the tragic conclusion will be we wish we could help them.

The special effects...are like better than chocolate for me. Trust me. Theres no higher honor I could award. Everything was done via time consuming prosthetics and make up. Every scary scene is so fucking real you can feel your bones begin to stretch, your hair begin to grow, and your taste buds evolving. Cgi could not come close to this cringe worthy real time transformation.

Horror Hunk:

I'm gonna say it now. I would let David Kessler take a bite outta me. In human form only..of course. Ladies, please tell me im not the only one here who knows exactly when the naked scenes take place! There's quite a few of them. He is damn cute and adorably tragic. He's the total package. Theres something physically hunky about him and at the same time there's a sweet puppy dog..ness about him. Plus, he needs to be taken care of a little which is enduring. Guys, you know you could have a beer with this guy, just as long as its not at the Slaughtered Lamb.

Scenes of Honorable Gorey Mention:
- David and Jack are stalked and ruined by the werewolf on the moors.
- Nazi werewolf mercenaries kill David's family in his dreams.
- Guy in the subway station!
- Porno flick with some rotting friends.
- The beast takes a big ol' bite out of Piccadilly Circus.

Netflix flop

2011-05-14T19:20:00.000-07:00

I adore Netflix! Its an extensive library of movies right there conveniently in front of my couch where my movie watching ass is parked! Some of my favorites are on here. I mean, they just put Rock-a-Doodle doo on instant streaming! How fantastic is that?

On to the horror selection:
I was very impressed with the selection of foreign, B, gory, and cult movies available. Some of the movies that really developed my love and curiosity of horror are there. I enjoy revising them, reliving them, with the push of a button. I still prefer the aesthetic experience of searching through thrift stores and video stores, but Netflix will do.

The best thing about Netflix is you can watch anything that strikes you and turn it off its complete shit. I have been trying to use this reasoning as an excuse to watch really shitty movies and write about them. Oh, how I have suffered trying to warn you all.

Latest shitty movie I've tried to watch on Netflix and how far I got through it:

-Creep: 20 mins.
I don't know. I thought this was going to be a British girl getting stalked by some crazy guy in a dark subway station.(Couldn't quite figure out the girl's accent actually.) That could have been scary! I don't like when people follow me around in the dark. I live in Tucson so I probably wouldn't get all trashed and fall asleep on the subway like the main character. However, I don't want any crazy bus people following me anywhere! Trust me. I don't have a car. I know!
I think it was more of a monster story. The opening scenes showed something grab a little girl who's running around the sewer. Some flashy cgi thing got on the subway? Some dude this girl is trying to get with is on the subway too? Ya, I think I was too busy trying to decide what that guy on the bus smelled like to really pay attention. Creep: Fail!

If you got further than me, fill me in.

Things I've Learned From Horror Movies

2011-05-09T21:22:00.000-07:00

I really enjoy being out in good ol' mother nature. Seriously. Oh, I can picture it right now! The cheery sound of birds and smiling woodland creatures would be all around me. I would probably be staying in some quaint little cabin nestled really far out in the mountains. The main road would slowly fade into the distance while the cabin came into view. Every step closer to the door would echo,the shutters would flap violently against the window, and I would discover something really fucking evil.

RULE: If you decide to stay in the dilapidated cabin you might not make it out alive. Be prepared or rent a room with a nice view or something (just don't go to the scary cabin).

I don't want you all to let the shocking evidence in the Evil Dead series scare you from going to a nice, kept up, safe cabin. Just be smart about it, right?

1. Look where your going.
2. Do not play strange tapes you find in the cabin.
3. Do not even lay a finger on the ookie book made out of flesh! This is the moment you need to get the hell outta there.
4. Everything in the forest is a potential danger to you. Trees will rape you. Shit off the screen will chase you. Its dark. You can't see if some crazy guy or beastie is out there.
5. Bring..some weapons..some flares or walkie talkies..some weapons...
6. Bring your own sheets!
7. Don't be by yourself, ever.
8. Just pick a better spot!

Great Moments in Gore

2011-05-06T16:49:00.000-07:00

One of the only great Troma clips I can find in my extensive search of 2 youtube pages.
Terror Firmer, directed by Lloyd Kaufman!! (I wish he was my difficult, hilarious uncle or like my own living, breathing book of potty humor.)

Features:
-Serial killer in drag
-The ripping of a limb
-Being beaten to death with said limb.
-Blood, the really red spraying variety.

I'm a Troma nerd. Ive seen the good and I've survived the bad. One of my biggest dreams is to die a blood soaked, disgusting, farty, death in a Troma movie. Its the only way to go!

Terror Firmer is one of my favorite Troma movies. Its basically the tour of the glamorous Troma studios that I still haven't taken.

House of the Devil Review

2011-05-03T16:38:00.000-07:00

House of the Devil
Directed by Ti West

I used to work in daycares, so I can tell you now there is nothing about children that scares me. (Its not for the faint of heart either. I'm talking blood, boogers, diapers, screaming, biting, the works.) Babysitting on the other hand....well, we all know what happens to the attractive, likable, babysitter late at night.

In House of the Devil, directed by Ti West, our babysitter is antagonized by a satanic cult. Samantha, a girl we all went to school with, answers a babysitting ad which takes her to an eerie house in the boonies. She soon learns that she will not be watching a baby, but the elderly mother of some creep. When she accepts, we all know she shouldn't have done that.

This movie was recommended to me and ended up becoming one of my favorite genre movies in recent years. Its a throwback to the exploitation and slasher films of the early 80's that creates a subtle uneasiness in the viewer. Long shots of Samantha roaming the dark house, the panning camera paired with the menacing violin, the slow realization of danger in our heroine, all leading up to a bloody and frightening ending.

The brooding exposition of the movie is not going to be for everyone but I really appreciated it! West put careful thought in establishing a mood and unease that many current horror films lack. Do I want all horror movies to follow this plot structure, slow, slow, slow, beautiful suspense? No. But when they do I will propably be watching on the edge of the couch.

Back in Action

2011-05-03T15:46:00.000-07:00

Oh the horrors of the modern world! As someone who has always dreamed of being a print journalist, I have my anxieties about technology. My fears were confirmed as the screen stared back at me, going nowhere, loading nothing. What did it mean? Was that the end of my relationship with the internet population? Scary! Thankfully, I work with a computer wiz who took care of everything. That means..I'mmmmmmm baackk! I feel like I have a lot of catching up to do.

Great Moment in Gore

2011-04-18T20:03:00.000-07:00

The Dr gets her come upin's in Basketcase, directed by Frank Henenlotter.

Features:
-Beast in a basket
-Revenge
-Biting!
-Lots of flailing and screaming
-Face in a drawer of scalpels

If you haven't seen Basketcase....get a move on! This movie is very dear to me. I enjoy everything about this scene.

Also: Biggest horror story would have to be the state of my computer right now. I don't even wanna talk about it. So, as soon as that's resolved I have some reviews on my mind.

Things I've Learned From Horror Movies

2011-04-14T19:34:00.000-07:00

#57: Trust me. The creep on the phone...is already in the house.

Scream 4 is upon us. I know I haven't put up my review of the first three films and I haven't really had anything to say on the matter. I think the first Scream was important to horror. That's all been said already. Craven brought us a new slasher in a film world devoid of the blood of the 80's. This movie was about the "rules of the horror film." Here's an easy one- Hang up the fucking phone when someone asks what your favorite horror movie is. No, wait, hang up when Ghostface asks you, "who is this?"

The killer who calls, is already on the other side of the wall.

Don't answer the phone:

Scream

Black Christmas

Tenebre

My Horror Abcs

2011-04-11T16:25:00.000-07:00

So, I'm new to the blogging community. I like the idea of doing projects with other writers. So, here I am, doing Robert Pumpkin's Cinematic Alphabet.

A- An American Werewolf in London

B- Basketcase

C- City of the Living Dead

D- Dead Alive

E- The Entity

F- Frankenhooker

G- Gore Gore Girls

H- House

I- I Spit on your Grave

J- Jurassic Park

K- Killer Klowns from Outer Space

L- Lets Scare Jessica to Death

M- Maniac

N- New York Ripper, The

o- Opera

P- phantasm

Q- Quills?

R- Reanimator

S- Suspiria

T- Teeth

U- Un Chien Andalou

V- Videodrome

W- Wizard of Gore, The

X- X-Files

Y- Your Vice is a Locked Room and Only I Have the Key

Z- Zombi

Great Moments in Gore

2011-04-10T21:43:00.000-07:00

Lawnmower scene from Dead Alive(Braindead), directed by Peter Jackson

Features:
-Creative death instrument
-flying limbs
-blood, lots of the Heinz ketchup variety
-Accents
-zombies
-hand in blender
-intestines
Can't get much better than this. I mean you need a pair of galoshes to get through that zombie mush.

Scream queens, final girls, and our friends madonna and eve

2011-04-07T19:38:00.000-07:00

Women's role in horror movies is not a clearly defined one, though there are definite niches existing. Is theirs a crucial role? Yes. Is it always a fair or positive one? This gore girl doesn't think so. I love horror and continue to do so. I am well aware of what I am to expect and I am not watching these flicks for the wholesome morals they provide. While some of my friends are uncomfortable with nudity, blood on nudity, and big titted women with nudity, I'm not. So..in short, this is not me getting high and mighty, all down with the dick! I'm just thinkin.

I adore our strong, fight for their life, resourceful, final girls. She is the one thrust into some horrible nightmare, surviving it and coming out with blood in her hair. And a pulse. A women you root for because of her intellect and instinct. This is not to say we don't need their busty friends to bite the dust along with way. We do. It fuels the fire in our hero and I wanna see piles of guts at some point in this damn movie.

Whats most interesting to me is the strong use of the Madonna/Eve motif in the genre. This is an idea that has come up in our culture and arts for a very long time. Virgins live. Whores die. Does that mean, when placed in a horror plot, I would die off quick? Are we dammed to death the moment we bite into the apple of curiosity? Well, I did take a bite. Then I ate the whole damn thing. Even with all the seeds stuck in my teeth, I'm not going down easy.

Like I said, love the great final girls. What I would love to see is a generation of final girls who represent us a little more truthfully. Someone who represents the Madonna AND eve present in all of us. She should still have her morals and goals in life but she's not perfect. The standards set now are ones I could not fucking reach. Don't know about you.

Then there is one of my favorite exploitation sub genres, the revenge flick. Take a pure, virginal girl, inflict bad things on her, and she becomes a tragic figure. We encourage her when she gets behind the wheel and takes karate classes! We cheer when she gets herself a nice sawed off shot gun. We just love her when she decapitates a guy with a horse! She goes and does some pretty naughty things right? There's darkness in her past and she is determined to get even.

Girls are important to horror movies. We know that! Just cut us a break!
P.s. I haven't forgot about the great female villains. I'm just saving it for another day. Another post.

Some classic final girls:
Jess-Black Christmas. A flawed final girl! Not only not a virgin, she wants an abortion.
Doomed Best Friend: Shes in a sorority.
Suzy-Suspiria
Doomed Best Friend:Sarah
Sydney-Scream
Doomed Best Friend:Tatum
Sally-Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Doomed Best Friend:Pam
Nancy-Nightmare on Elm street
Doomed Best Friend: Tina
Laurie-Halloween
Doomed Best Friend: Annie

Kids scares

2011-04-04T19:20:00.001-07:00

Flipping through Fangoria today, I noticed Tim Burton is revisiting Frankenweenie. I'm not gonna sit here and bitch about it. That’s not because I cant, I just haven't decided how I feel about it. I'm not gonna think about it either. Instead, I decided to take a nostalgic walk down the vhs grave yard and think about my favorite horror themed children’s movies. They don’t really make good children’s movies anymore do they?

Hocus Pocus: I'm really into movies about witchcraft right now. This is the first movie that came to mind and its not a surprise. This movie rocks the cradle! Max, a local teen in Salem, accidentally resurrects three witches on Halloween. The Sanderson sisters are out to get the souls of Salem’s children so they can suck um’ up like botox. Bette Midler is the ugly, mean one. Sarah Jessica Parker is the hot blond. Kathy Najimy is the slapstick one who has to ride a vacuum cleaner. Favorite character has to be Billy, the zombie who had his mouth sewn shut! Ya, there’s a zombie!

Beetlejuice: One of the best movies everright? What a fucking cast! What a fucking story! Yes, this is a children's movie list. Barbra(Genna Davis) and Adam (Alec Baldwin), the Maitlands, are a really sweet couple who come to discover they have passed on. They deal with the whole ghost thing until the Deetzes (Jeffery Jones, Catherine O'Hara, and their gothy daughter Wioana Rider) move in. Unable to scare them away, the Maitlands hire rouge ghost exterminator, Betelgeuse(Michael Keaton).

Frankenweenie: This is really adorable. The Frankenstein legend reworked with a cool looking dog.

Monster Squad: I wanna be in the Monster Club. I think I always have. Maybe I should find a tree and start one. If you have a tree house and horror in your heart, sign here. This movie is solid proof that when you watch enough horror movies you can survive one. The Monster Club, a group of five horror fans, have to stop Dracula and his crew of classic Universal monsters from wrecking havoc.

Gremlins: Don't expose your mogwai to light, don't get it wet, and don't feed it after midnight. When you do, you end up with hedonistic, green, mean spirited bastards who will screw your entire town up. I had a furby man! I'm pretty sure you better follow the same rules if you wanna make it to next Christmas's big fad. Joe Dante is the man.

Tv shows I miss: Are you afraid of the dark, Eerie,Indiana, So Weird, Buffy, and Tales from the Crypt

Best Halloween Special: The Halloween Tree

Up to date

2011-04-03T16:09:00.001-07:00

So right now:

Picture Im really into:

Currently reading: The Martian Chronicles by Ray Bradbury

Currently writing: A review of House of the Devil

Next movie to watch: Nightmare City

Cant sleep, my nightmare a remake of a previous one

2011-04-03T00:53:00.000-07:00

Remakes, remakes, remakes. Anybody else worry that a whole generation of future horror fans are gonna grow up with the wrong versions of the classics? Ok. Its big picture. I’m just not feeling the remakes.

Horror is a genre with limitless possibilities. There is a huge variety of existing sub genres to play with and modify to your own demented needs. The fans are truly loyal, open minded, and anxious to see what lines are left to be crossed. I think its largest advantage is that it plays off a strong emotion in all of us, Fear.

There is a shit ton of people out there and they are all afraid of something. Personally, I’m terrified of bees, winding mountain roads, and being sick. I mean…..nothing. If I thought about it a minute I’m sure I could think up a plot for each. Keeping that in mind, we must not have used up all the frightening material that’s out there. Rather than trying to recreate a pre existing film or idea maybe we should delve deeper. Start doing stories about the strange fears of small demographics rather than struggling to revive something so conventionally scary. Lets think really hard. What scares you?

Its probably easier said than done but I’m optimistic.

Things I've Learned From Horror Movies

2011-03-30T18:15:00.000-07:00

#16: Don't move into the haunted house and if you already have...break your lease asap.

Now, I don't know much about the real estate buisness. I know that landlords can be formibable oponants and you should choose your room mates wisely. I also know way more then I care to about the assholes who live upstairs. What I would like to know today is if Im legally protected from curses? I feel like realtors should really be required to disclose, "Oh,you can't garden in the backyard..ancient burial ground. The spirits and bodies can't be disturbed." What some people will do for a buck.

~Poltergiest

On the other hand- if someone does warn you and you say something like, "Houses don't have memories," don't be surprised when your house turns on you.

~The Amityvile Horror

Avoid houses: where anyone was murdered,that housed satanic cults,that was built on cursed ground of any kind, or houses no one has come back out of. Rent or own?

City of the Living Dead

2011-03-29T21:38:00.000-07:00

City of the Living Dead
Directed by:Lucio Fulci

Where do I even start on this one? Its nice to revisit the classics. Lucio Fulci was totally a master at what he did. I respect a man who is not afraid to fill his zombies up with heaps and heaps of worms. He literally shoots maggots out of a cannon in this one. The actors faces, felt pretty authentic. That’s commitment, or an honor if you think about it. What I wouldn’t give to have a director like that shooting gross shit at me. That’s totally in a fan kind of way, nothing funny.

I preface my summary of the plot by saying…its not really about the plot. We can make up for plot in pounds of guts and blood. Inconsistency? What does it matter, a guy gets a drill through the head. While this movie always leaves me with unanswered questions, every time I see the organs and guts spew out of that girl’s mouth my stomach flies up into my throat. That’s what good gore will do to you.

So the gates of Hell are thrown open when Father Thomas, a very pale, grumpy, priest, hangs himself. A physic, played by Catriona MacColl, saw the whole damn thing and knows that they must close the gate before All Saints day. So, with the help of a reporter, they head to the town of Dunwich to seek and destroy the body of Father Thomas.
I think they destroy him but don’t quote me on it. See, they don’t do it before All Saint’s Day, which I was under the assumption they had to do. Either way. Our reporter dies. Our physic is crying blood again. A film full of brainy mush , blood, and loose ends.
The gross stuff is pretty twisted and these zombies are the mangled face, brain crushing, persistent, variety. I think that’s all I wanted. I’m a simple girl. Zombies who go straight for the brain.
I like this movie. Does it frustrate me a little? Just the ending, everything else that didn’t make sense I just let slide. Its not Fulci’s best but it is one of his only ones available on Netflix instant streaming. Good for a little Italian splatter fix if you cant wait any longer.

Things Ive Learned from Horror Movies

2011-03-23T11:13:00.000-07:00

Lets face it, there's a lot to be learned from horror movies. Don't follow the sound of the chainsaw. Shoot the zombie in the head. The slut always dies. Oh I could go on for hours. I mean I did. Thats why I have this big list. So here's the first of many, "things Ive learned from horror movies."

#23: German Shepherds...are horrible seeing eye dogs.

-Dickie from the Beyond

-Daniel's dog goes for the jugular in Suspiria